Alternate Circumstances
by Davin Sunrider
Summary: The characters of ToS have been shuffled around in their roles, and chaos and hilarity ensue. If you don't like random, Pythonesque humor, then this isn't the fic for you. Expect nonsensical jokes, unpredictable idiocy, and horrible puns. Discontinued.
1. Intro and Character list

Alternate Circumstances,

A Tales of Symphonia parody

Hello, ToS fans! Here's yet another parody fic, about how the story would be changed if the main characters were all shuffled around. I know there are a few others like this floating around out there, but since I was working on this before I saw any of those, it's not really plagiarism. Or maybe it is. Who cares, since I have no intention of making money off this, and bear no ill will towards anybody else who's done a story like this. It's just for fun. I am also writing a serious Zelda story, if you want to check that out. I'm writing this whenever I need a break from that one, so this will be updated approximately whenever I feel like it.

Credit for this idea goes to a person on the GameFaqs ToS message boards known as 'veileddarkness', who started the story known as 'Different Jobs'. I co-wrote some of it, and will be using only scenes I wrote and mostly ideas I came up with from that story for this one, in case they ever want to post their version on this site. I will, however, be keeping most of their shuffled list, since that was how I wrote my stuff in the first place.

Now, if you haven't already fallen asleep or clicked off the page, here's the list of who got shuffled. I've done only the main characters and villains, to avoid too much confusion. Each character will be mostly keeping their personalities from the game, except for when I need them to do something stupid or crazy. If this story makes little to no sense, it is on purpose. Also, this story assumes you are familiar with the characters and situations of Tales of Symphonia, but I'm trying to write it so you don't have to be. Enjoy!

Sheena: Main Character/Idiot

Colette: Mercenary/Mysterious Idiot

Presea: Chosen of Sylvarant

Raine: Chosen of Tethe'alla

Genis: Ninja/Whiny Kid

Zelos: Leader of the Renegades/Pervert

Kratos: Class Genius/Sheena's best friend

Yuan: Evil Villain

Mithos: Teacher/Psychopath

Anna(Lloyd's Mom from the game): Human Ranch Prisoner

Lloyd: Lumberjack/Prisoner

Regal: Assistant Lumberjack

Corrine: Sheena's pet/Noishe replacement

Noishe: Genis's pet, only smaller

Davin: Author/Me

I may have to add to this as I go on with the story, so if you get lost, refer to this first chapter. The story begins on the next page, so read and review, please!


	2. Introductions and Beginnings

Introductions and Beginnings

(what else am I going to call the first chapter?)

A long time ago, in a fantasy land far, far away, a bunch of boring crap happened. This is not the story of that boring crap, but rather, the story of what happened as a result of that boring crap. See, there was this hero named Yuan, and he prevented a war, or caused it, or something. It doesn't really matter, since that isn't a major plot detail of this little farce we have going. Well, it isn't actually going, since the author hasn't written that part yet. Well, he's going to, but you see, he has to explain that he hasn't got it quite goi-

(BLAM!)

The previous author of this story has been shot, and a typing llama has come in at the last second and at great expense to replace him.

(BLAM)

The previous author of this story proved a little harder to kill than we had thought, and he grievously wounded the typing llama. Please hold while we find a replacement.

(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!)

Introductions and Beginnings

(what else am I going to call the first chapter?)

Sheena was flying through the air, far above the world, and funny letters kept appearing in front of her. Since she didn't read English, she couldn't tell what was being said. A high-pitched, annoyingly cheerful voice was narrating, but something in Sheena's mind made her tune out the narrator to avoid brain damage from listening to it.

She continued her flight, enjoying the breeze on her face. She closed her eyes, which proved to be a mistake, as she lost track of where she was flying and smashed into a building that she hadn't seen. The impact against her head made her emit a pained yelp, and she opened her eyes again to see a blond Elvis impersonator glaring at her, his hand raised as if he had just thrown something.

An eraser dropped to the floor, startling the girl and making her drop the buckets of water that she had been holding. She looked up.

"Er, Professor Yggdrasill, is class over?"

The Elvis impersonator rolled his eyes and swept his blow-dried, blond hair out of his eyes, muttering something about "idiotic inferior beings."

"Since the class idiot is unable to answer the question, why don't you take a crack at it, Kratos?" On second glance, he wasn't an Elvis impersonator, he was just wearing a really gay-looking jumpsuit. Sheena also fully remembered that he was Mithos Yggdrasill, the teacher of the small school in the town of Iselia.

"..." said Kratos eloquently. He sat back down.

Mithos slammed his ruler down on Kratos' desk. "I TOLD YOU TO ANSWER THE QUESTION, YOU IDIOT!!!! NOW TELL THE CLASS WHAT STOPPED THE ANCIENT KHARLAN WAR!!!"

Overhead, sitting on a small cloud with a laptop in his lap(where else would it be?) was a rather geeky-looking young man named Davin. By the awesome magical powers his laptop bestowed upon him, Davin was controlling everything that was going on, including the scenery and characters. Well, sort of. The characters kind of did stuff when Davin wasn't paying attention, resulting in chaos most of the time. But, he usually was paying attention, and he had a pretty good grip on the story.

Davin leaned over the edge of the cloud and saw two of the generic students making out. He stared at his computer screen for a moment, then leaned over the edge of the cloud again and smacked them both upside the head. "Knock it off," he said. "That's not in the script."

"Sorry." said the students, and they went back to sitting motionless at their desks, waiting for the main characters to do stuff again.

Mithos had smacked his brother a few times with the ruler when Davin wasn't paying attention, and the author stopped him and restarted the story from where he had gotten distracted.

"The hero Yuan stopped the ancient war by making the two kings stop fighting." Kratos said, obviously bored.

"Correct, for once. You sure are an idiot, Kratos."

Kratos was not an idiot. In fact, he was the smartest person in the class. He was even smarter than Mithos, and this irritated the psychopathic teacher to no end. So, he took advantage of every opportunity to make fun of his brother.

Mithos turned to scowl at Davin. "That's not how I act in the game!" he said.

"Deal with it." said the author, and he resumed typing.

There was an odd-looking little girl sitting in the middle of the room, with pink hair and a blank expression on her face. Now, it's not all that odd to see somebody in a classroom with a blank expression, but this girl was blanker than normal. You might even say she seemed to be some sort of robot. Her name was Presea, and she was the Chosen of Sylvarant. Davin assumed that the readers got what this meant, and moved on to get to the really funny stuff.

A bright light flashed, everyone went "Ooo, what was that?" and Mithos figured out that it was the oracle and it was time for Presea to go to the temple and receive her cruxis crystal. Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda, Mithos left to see what was happening at the temple and told everyone else to stay there.

Sheena, of course, had no intention of staying there. She saw this as an opportunity to escape from school, and she headed for the door. Kratos stepped in front of her.

"Why are you leaving?" he said. "My brother said to stay here."

The girl looked up at her taller friend. "Since when do you do anything Mithos tells you to do?"

"Good point. Let's go."

"I am coming, too." said Presea in her usual monotone. She didn't know why she wanted to go with them, but it was convenient to the plot, so she went.

The three friends left the school, leaving the other students to do whatever they wanted. In the interest of keeping this story rated 'T', Davin refrained from describing what the other students did. Trust me, you don't want to know. I will tell you that it involves chickens, a rubber band, a pack of gum, a windbreaker, and a pitchfork. See, I told you you don't want to know.

They went north, headed for the temple. Sheena was opposed to this at first, but went anyway after Kratos used some condescending logic to describe why she needed to help Presea fulfill her duties as a Chosen.

"You'd better hope we don't run into your brother." she said. "You don't know what he'll do."

Actually, Davin knew exactly what Mithos would do when he saw them, but decided against telling them. It would be funnier that way.

They traveled along the path to the temple, engaging in heated battle against chipmunks, squirrels, a few rabbits, and one rock that Sheena was convinced was leering at her. Being of generous figure, Sheena was constantly convinced that people were staring at her chest. She was usually right. The rock itself wasn't, but it did have a camera in it, so she was partially correct

The three friends arrived at the temple just in time to see some funny-looking guys in S&M outfits toss an old priest down the winding stairs of the temple. He crashed and thumped down the steps, making all kinds of funny noises until he finally came to a stop at the bottom. They heard a high-pitched, British-accented voice say "Cool!" when he landed.

On his cloud, Davin was laughing at his hilarious and clever reference when he realized nobody else got the joke, and therefore nobody else was laughing. "Well, _I_ thought it was funny," he said.

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!"

"Well, there's no point in being snippy. It's my story and I can write it however I-"

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!"

They asked the dreadlocked priest what was wrong, and he replied that Desians had come to attach the temple and then died. That's right. Not 'attack' the temple. 'Attach' it. To what? I haven't a clue.

Sheena kicked the dead guy aside after going through his pockets and climbed the stairs, following Presea, who had started up them as soon as she arrived at the temple.

The little robot-girl stopped at the top of the stairs and stood there, motionless, as the S&M guys interrogated a pink-haired old woman.

"Where's the Chosen?" The one halfway normal-looking guy said.

"I'll never tell!" yelled the old woman in a show of defiance. "Run, Presea!"

The S&M guys, who would never have noticed Presea standing there without the old woman's warning, turned as one to the girl.

"That's not the Chosen!" one of the S&M guys said. "I thought the Chosen had blonde hair and wore white."

As if summoned by his words, a ditzy-looking woman with long blonde hair and white clothes appeared out of nowhere.

"The Chosen! Get her!"

She smiled cheerfully. "I'm not the Chosen. I'm a mercenary who just happened to be here in this place at this time. I hope you aren't disappointed."

The leather-clad men scratched their heads and toyed with their whips. None of them had any idea what was going on, so they decided to leave.

As they passed Sheena, she remembered that she was supposed to be the rash hero in this story and blocked their way, brandishing her deck of cards at them.

"You Desian bastards aren't going anywhere!"

The halfway normal-looking guy narrowed his eyes at her. "You know of course, this means war."

She met his gaze, glaring back. "I know."

"Very well then. Deal." Botta said. He was momentarily confused by the fact that nobody had said his name yet, so the reader shouldn't know who he was, but he shrugged and sat down on the ground.

Sheena sat across from him, and whirled her cards through a complicated shuffle. She cut the deck, realized she had ruined her cards, and withdrew another pack from her pocket, tossing the pieces of her old deck aside.

She and Botta played three games of War while the other characters stood around, tapping their feet impatiently. Nobody noticed Presea go inside the temple by herself, armed only with a giant axe.

Sheena won two of the games, and Botta had to admit defeat. He and his minions shuffled off dejectedly. Sheena retrieved her deck of cards from them and then they left.

Kratos, who had noticed Presea was missing, went into the temple after her as Sheena and Colette talked to the Chosen's grandmother about protecting her during her trials inside the temple. Colette suggested getting a lawyer, and Sheena laughed uproariously, not realizing the mercenary was an idiot and was serious.

Colette, who also didn't like offending people, laughed too, forgetting midway through what she was laughing at.

Davin left the laughing boneheads to go see what Presea was up to. He was pleasantly surprised to find that she had solved almost all of the temple's traps and puzzles, and was now heading back to the main lobby to open the barrier to the altar chamber. Kratos was with her, and both were walking in silence when Sheena and Colette charged in, waving their weapons wildly.

"It's a good thing we found you, Presea!" Sheena said. "The temple can be dangerous!" Colette nodded so fervently it looked like her head would fly off.

"Yes." said Presea, cleaning the monster-blood off of her axe. "We must continue."

They used the Sorcerer's Ring on the door(and once on Colette, though Sheena claimed this was an accident) and stepped on the transporter platform.

The group reappeared in the altar room, which was just that; a room with an altar in the middle. Wow, astonishing.

They stood there in nervous anticipation, knowing something cool was going to happen. They waited...and waited...and waited some more.

Davin frowned up at the ceiling and withdrew a pole from a compartment on his cloud-chair. He poked the circle of glass over the altar a few times, making a knocking sound. He heard a snort, and someone say 'Whaas goin' on?" before he floated his cloud through the ceiling and gave Remiel a good whack with the stick.

"Eh? Whaazat?"

"You're on, idiot!"

Remiel jumped to his feet, wiped the drool off his robe, and put out his cigarette, hastily running a razor over his chin a few times and straightening his clothes. He pushed a button on a panel next to him that said 'Angelic Chorus' and started floating majestically into the room on a beam of light, gently flapping his wings.

The characters below were suitably impressed. Morons.

"I am Remiel, an angel of Cruxis. I have come to bestow the Cruxis Crystal upon the Chosen. Are you ready to receive this blessing, my beloved daughter?"

"Yes." Presea said. She stepped up to the altar and Remiel threw a marble at her. It attached itself to the necklace she was wearing and started glowing softly.

The characters were again impressed. Really, a glowing marble is impressive? These people are kinda dumb, if you ask me.

"You must go on a journey to regenerate the world, which will later be prove to be useless and dangerous, and your group will cause a number of disasters through your own stupidity. You will also become an angel, which is not really what you think it is, and the process will make you violently ill every time you progress a step. The first step in this journey is far to the south, in a great desert. I will await you there, my beloved daughter."

None of the characters seemed to be at all suspicious of what the angelic being had just said, so Davin let it slide, for now. But, he wouldn't be so tolerant in the future.

---------------------------------------

Author's note: Did it make you laugh hysterically? A chuckle? A scoff at how stupid it was? It made you ill, didn't it? Well, review it and tell me anyway.


	3. In Which the Story Continues

In Which The Story Continues

The group watched as Remiel floated back up into the ceiling and disappeared. Only Davin saw him take off his shoes, turn on his TV and light up another cigarette. Some angel he is.

The characters all gathered around Presea and 'ooohed' and 'aaahed' over her Cruxis crystal, except Kratos. Can you really see him doing that? Me neither.

Colette abruptly announced that she would be taking Presea back to the village, as if just remembering she was supposed to do that. She grabbed the robot-girl by the arm and pulled her onto the transporter platform before Sheena or Kratos could say anything.

They stood there for a moment, looking at each other, before realizing that they didn't really have all that much in common and both wondered why, exactly, they were friends. They were going to go their separate ways before Davin realized he'd let them start thinking too much and hurled lightning bolts of character modification at them both.

Now the bestest of buddies, Sheena and Kratos merrily skipped out of the altar room, holding hands and singing a cheerful song.

"I've made a huge mistake" said Davin, after he finished retching, and he hurled two more bolts, bringing them back to where they were before. Now, they were friends, but they just accepted it and didn't question it anymore. "Much better." said the author, still shuddering at the monster he had almost unleashed.

They walked out into the main lobby to see an unpleasant sight. Mithos.

Now, Mithos was unpleasant already, but he was walking around the room, boredly pretending to examine the carvings and halfheartedly trying to seem excited that he was inside the temple. For some reason, this was very disturbing to the two friends. But, not as disturbing as what happened next.

Mithos looked up to see Sheena and Kratos, and an evil grin spread slowly across his face. Sheena was reminded of somebody named Jack Nicholson in something called 'The Shining', but she couldn't remember ever hearing of either thing before.

"Whoops" said Davin.

"What are you two filthy humans doing here? I thought I told you to stay in the classroom until I got back."

"I...um...well...we...um. Y-You aren't mad...are you?" Sheena said nervously. Well of course she said it nervously, just look at how the sentence is structured! You think people who are speaking confidently say things like that?

(BLAM!)

Davin put the gun back into the pocket on his chair where he could get at it again, in case another critic showed up.

"You know what happens when you disobey my orders." Mithos said, his eyes getting crazier by the second.

Sheena started sweating profusely. Kratos, on the other hand, didn't do much of anything. He just stood there.

"It's time for your punishment." said Mithos, starting towards the two.

Sheena was almost entirely soaked now. Professor Yggdrasill's punishments were always unpleasant at the least, and disfiguring at the worst. He looked really mad, too.

Kratos, who was arbitrarily stronger and faster than Mithos, ducked under Mithos' first swing and ran for the door, remembering belatedly that he was supposed to look out for his friend. He turned to see Sheena fly across the room, a shoe-print in the middle of her back.

Kratos ran back in and heaved Sheena over his shoulder, running out of the temple while Mithos raged and yelled and threw things.

Davin decided to give Sheena and Kratos a head start, while he attempted to make Yggdrasill calm down.

The two friends ran back to Iselia as fast as they could, knowing Mithos was not far behind. However, he was actually working off his rage on the leftover monsters in the temple, which was proving to be quite therapeutic for him.

(&)Sheena and Kratos arrived back at the village and considered dropping by Presea's house, but since the Chosen had forgotten to ask them, they skipped that part of the story and went straight to Kratos' house.

"If you are going back to your house, Sheena, I will go with you." Kratos said as they walked through the village.

Sheena had no problem with this. Mostly it was because she had a feeling that Kratos didn't want to be here when Mithos returned to the village. Or maybe he was just being nice. You can never tell with some people.

They stepped inside Mithos and Kratos' house, which was small, but full of all kinds of expensive-looking stuff. Guess who it belongs to. If the character you guessed wears purple, you would be incorrect.

"I believe I left my ingredients in this cabinet. Excuse me while I assemble them." Kratos opened the cabinet and rummaged around in it, removing food and putting it into his pack.

"Cooking? That's boring." Sheena left Kratos to his ingredients and started snooping around in the house.

She came to the bookshelf and examined some of the titles it contained. 'How to Create a Fake Evil Religion in Twelve Easy Steps.' 'Wings of Steel Workout Program.' 'How to Look 2000 Years Younger Overnight!'

"Yikes. These books look hard. Does your brother actually read this stuff?"

"Actually, Sheena, these are my books. Mithos got finished with them long ago, but they were interesting enough that I decided to read them." Kratos shouldered his pack and indicated the door. "If you don't mind, I have a stop I need to make before we get to your house."

Sheena shrugged and decided not to argue, as it would take the plot longer to get to another character's introduction if she did.

They left the village, which was being guarded by small, skinny men with cooking pots on their heads and rakes in their hands. Makes you feel safe, doesn't it?

"Not especially." said Sheena.

Davin glowered at her, wondering if he dared risk another bolt of character modification.

They devastated the local wildlife population for a while, until they came to Kratos' stop.

"Your stop is at the human ranch? Aren't we supposed to stay away from there?" Sheena absently plucked at the ribbon of her kimono as they stood at the crossroads.

Kratos crossed his arms over his chest. "I am going because it is necessary. What other reason could there be?"

"Gahh! Fine, let's go." Sheena put her hand in her pocket and assured herself that her cards were still there. The human ranch was reputed to be a dangerous place. The Desians were said to be fierce at Go Fish.

Corrine chose this moment to make his first appearance. The giant gold-colored dog with an enormous blue tail appeared from wherever he had been, indicated his disapproval of the situation, and then promptly disappeared again.

Kratos led Sheena over to the fence, where an attractive young woman with brown hair was waiting. "Kratos! How are you? Who is your friend?"

"Hello, Anna. This is Sheena."

"Hi." Sheena looked the woman over. "Where'd you get that Ex-Sphere?"

"Oh, is that what this thing is? I got this when I came here. It doesn't go well at all with my dress, but I can't get it off." Anna frowned.

"You look fine." Kratos started to scowl, but then apparently decided not to. "Did you see the oracle?"

"Yes, I did. It was kinda pretty, actually."

Sheena pointed to the ex-sphere. "Hey, without a Key Crest, that thing's dangerous. I could make you one, if you want."

Anna smiled broadly. "Could you make it as a bracelet? Oh, and could you make the bracelet be two dolphins kissing? That would be so great."

Sheena rolled her eyes, but agreed.(&)

Just then, an S&M guy, also known as a Desian, in case you hadn't figured that out, came running over and demanded to know what Anna was doing.

"Hey, you! What are you doing over there?" he said. See, told you.

"Oh, no! The Desians! Run, Kratos!" Anna hissed, waving them away.

Kratos and Sheena hid behind some bushes and watched.

"What were you doing over here, anyway?" said one of the Desians. The other one nodded and cracked his whip a couple times.

"I was..um... Watering the flowers. Yes, that's what I was doing."

"Well, we didn't tell you to do that, so you're coming with us! We have to teach you some respect, since you're giving us such a bad attitude and all."

"No, she isn't." said the other Desian. "She hasn't said anything disrespectful to us."

Desian #1 pulled the other guy aside. "We're supposed to be evil slave drivers, you moron. We don't need a reason to be mean to her."

Desian #2 nodded slowly. "I guess you're right."

Desian #3, meanwhile, had noticed Sheena, since she wasn't hidden very well, but he was too busy staring at her to raise the alarm. Top-notch guarding, boys.

"Thanks." said one of the Desians.

Davin glared at him. "You aren't supposed to notice me! Knock that off!"

"Sorry."

The first two Desians(the third one was still staring) dragged Anna off to the back.

"We cannot let them hurt her!" Kratos said.

"Kra-tos has a girl-friend!" Sheena said in a singsong tone. When he glared at her, she quickly apologized. "Well, I suppose we could try to distract the guards for a few minutes and hope they don't do anything to her after we leave."

"Sounds like a plan. Are you ready?"

"Sure."

They ran over to a conveniently placed cliff and climbed up it to see the Desians whipping Anna. Well, due to the animation style, they looked more like they were cracking their whips over her head, and not actually touching her.

"You attack with magic, and I'll run down the cliff and make them think it was me, hoping they don't chase me or anything."

"Agreed." said Kratos. He hurled some fireballs at the Desians and ducked behind a rock as Sheena stood up, waved her arms, and jumped down the cliff, landing in front of the gate.

"Gee, I sure hope they don't have security cameras." she said as she ran for the forest road.

Kratos waited until the surviving guards opened the gate and ran after his friend before he started for the road also. But, before he was safely out of sight, he got some rock dust up his nose and sneezed so loudly that the guards had to have heard him.

They continued chasing Sheena, oblivious.

Now, Kratos didn't want to make Sheena have to fight all the guards by herself, but he knew it was necessary to the plot to do so. So, he sneezed again and threw a rock at the lead Desian.

Still nothing.

Sighing, Kratos stood up and yelled "Hey, there's somebody else over here! Run up here right away!"

The brilliant guards stopped and cocked their heads.

"Hey, did you hear something?" one of them said.

"Yeah, let's go check it out!" said the other one. They ran over to where Kratos had been, but of course he was already gone.

"Oh, no!" Sheena gasped, since she was being forced to be kind of an idiot in this story, "They'll see Kratos! And even though he's six inches taller and outweighs me by seventy pounds, and is an expert swordsman, he'll need my help! I'd better go back, even though I'm ten feet from getting away!" And so she went.

The Desians were standing around, wondering why they were there, when Sheena burst into view, brandishing her cards at them.

"Even though I'm horribly outnumbered and armed only with a deck of playing cards, I'm going to fight you all!" she yelled defiantly. Wow. Lot of brilliant observations from Sheena today.

"Thanks" she said.

"Stop doing that!" Davin shouted irritably.

"Sorry."

The Desian guards were cracking their whips at her and brandishing their crossbows. Also, one of them seemed to have some kind of stick or spear or something. It was sort of hard to tell.

"We're going to whip you up real nice!" said one of the Desians, grinning evilly.

The one standing next to him grabbed his arm. "Hey, man, we're slave drivers, not rapists. That's not cool."

"Well I didn't mean it in a 'rapist' kind of way. I'm just trying to be menacing, that's all." the first one said.

"This shows a really disturbing side of you, man. I'm not sure if I want to work with you anymore."

"Hey, come on, dude! You know I didn't mean it like that! What kind of guy do you think I am?"

"I don't know, man. I don't know. I used to think I knew you, and then you come out with this 'whipping' remark. That's really creepy, you know?"

The whip-wielding Desian held it up for the other one to see. "Well, I've got a whip in my hand and I'm an evil bad guy! What else am I going to say? 'I'm going to tickle you with this'?"

The second Desian made a face. "That's even worse! What's wrong with you?"

Another of the guards decided to speak up. "The girl's getting away."

The whip-holding Desian glared at the other one. "You see what you did? Lord Forcystus is going to have our fannies for this."

"'Fannies'? Have you had a head injury recently I don't know about?"

"Shut up."

Sheena, meanwhile, was enjoying the fact that nobody was chasing her, and she got away while the guards were arguing.

She met up with Kratos, and they continued on to her house.

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Author's note: From (&) to (&) is the original content, slightly modified, of the first chapter of 'Different Jobs' I wrote. The rest I just slapped together this morning. Hopefully it doesn't stink too badly. Review anyway, though.


	4. Time Keeps Marching On

Time Keeps Marching On

Sheena and Kratos continued on through the forest to the house where she lived with a small, hairy man named Dirk. He was her adoptive father, and he was a dwarf, which was why he was so hairy. Well, there's really only one other dwarf you see in the game, and he's hairy, too, so I assume being hairy is a dwarf trait. I don't think lady dwarves are hairy, but-

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!"

Right, sorry. Now, on to scene 12, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, and it's about how Sheena and Kratos arrive at Dirk's House.

Kratos stopped at the log bridge, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to have turned back at the human ranch. He shrugged and continued, thinking that the plot wouldn't be too messed up if he stayed, since if he had followed the script, he would have arrived at the house in a few hours anyway.

Davin scowled at him. "Stupid characters, not doing what I tell them to."

The author could have sworn Kratos smiled as he said "Deal with it."

Sheena looked at her friend quizzically. "Deal with what?"

Kratos, never one to be flustered, answered smoothly. "The fact that I am here, and will be staying here for a while."

"Okay then."

Sheena stopped at a large stone outside the house. "I'm home, Dad. Did you miss me?"

'Dad' could not have missed her, since he'd been dead for the last seventeen years. Supposedly, the man had been found, collapsed in the forest, by Dirk, with the very young Sheena, and he'd asked the hairy total stranger to care for his only child before dying. Now, suppose Zelos had come along instead of Dirk. What do you think the story(and Sheena) would be like then, hmm? Oh, wait, Zelos hasn't been introduced yet, so that doesn't make any sense. Scratch that then.

The two continued into the house, where the much-talked-about-but-not-yet-seen hairy man, Dirk, was forging something in his forge. It looked suspiciously like money, but he hid it by stepping in front of it. True to the description, he was very hairy, with hair on his arms, and hair on his legs, and hair on his face, also known as a beard. He had hair on the top of his head, too, but he kept that trimmed short for some reason.

"Sheena! Welcome home, lassie. Er, and you too, Kratos." Dirk said, not expecting him to be there. You see what happens when you don't follow the script?

"Hi, Dad. Oh hey, could you make me a Key Crest? And could you make it as a bracelet, in the shape of two dolphins... kissing?"

"You don't usually like things like that, Sheena. But, if my little girl insists, I guess I'll do it." The hairy man smiled, displaying several metal replacement teeth. That's what happens when you eat rocks, ladies and gents.

"Thanks, Dad. And, uh, it's not for me, it's for a friend." Sheena started to turn red, embarrassed by the cutesy accessory she had just requested.

Dirk gestured at Kratos. "Him?!"

"No, Dad! Why would you think that?"

"Well, he's the only friend you have that I know of, and he _is_ wearing purple."

Kratos glared at the dwarf until Dirk apologized. Despite a large number of nonsensical stories insisting that it did, Kratos' bus did not stop there. Did NOT. I can't stress that enough.

"Well, who is it, then? That little robot- I mean Chosen you hang out with sometimes?"

"No... it's somebody Kratos knows... at the human ranch."

"THE HUMAN RANCH?!? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO THERE, EVEN THOUGH FORBIDDING CHILDREN TO DO THINGS ONLY MAKES THEM WANT TO DO IT EVEN MORE, USUALLY?"

"Yeah, Dad, I know. But, she had an Ex-Sphere with no Key Crest, and that's bad, isn't it?"

The dwarf calmed down, always glad to explain something technical. "Yes, it is." he said.

"I thought so. So, are you going to make the bracelet?" She made way-out-of-character Bambi eyes at him, knowing this always worked on Dirk, usually because it was so disturbing, he granted whatever request she was making just to make her stop.

"Okay, fine. Just don't go to the ranch again." This time, Dirk didn't smack his adoptive child, because it isn't nice to hit girls. Brown-haired, red-wearing, double-sword-wielding male idiots, there's no problem.

"Hey!" said Lloyd, who was chopping down a tree outside.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Tethe'alla?" said Davin, preparing a lightning bolt.

"You mean, this isn't Ozette?" Lloyd said, scratching his head with his axe handle.

"No, this is Dirk's House."

"Really? Hi, Dad!" Lloyd yelled through the window.

Davin smacked the lumberjack upside the head. "He's not your dad in this version, you imbecile. And you aren't supposed to come into the story for a long time. Now, beat it!"

"All right, I'm going. Come on, Regal." Lloyd made a rude gesture at the author and he and his assistant lumberjack, a handcuff-wearing man with blue hair, walked off into the forest. Why the assistant lumberjack and not the one who was supposed to be the prisoner was wearing the handcuffs, I don't know. Davin resolved to fix that before the two characters were properly introduced in the story.

Davin hurled a lightning bolt after the impolite lumberjack. He smiled when he heard an 'Ouch!' from the forest, but then frowned when he realized he had hit the wrong person. "Sorry, Regal!" he called.

"Think nothing of it."

Meanwhile, the other characters had started on the Key Crest, and presently, Mithos, Colette, and Presea arrived and the characters went outside and scattered, each standing in a different spot, and none of them talking to each other. Sheena thought this rather odd, but she made the rounds, stopping at the grave, where Colette was standing.

"Whose grave is this, Sheena?" the ditzy mercenary asked, seeming unusually serious.

"It's my Dad's. Dirk told me that Desians killed him to get my Ex-sphere." Sheena was confused. Dirk hadn't said any such thing to her.

"Whoops." said the author. "I must have forgotten that part. Moving on."

"Well, since you're coming along on Presea's journey, you'll get to explain to the Desians why it wasn't very nice to hurt your father. He was such a nice fellow."

Sheena was just dumb enough to not catch the hint, although there would be several more along the way. "I'm going to kill every Desian I see, since I'm irrationally and uncharacteristically murderous today."

"Oh, it's not nice to murder people, Sheena."

"Aren't you a mercenary?" said Sheena, looking at Colette oddly.

"Yes. Yes I am." Colette said, doing shifty-eyes. Again, Sheena missed this.

"Don't mercenaries fight for money?"

"Yes."

"Then if you don't like killing things, why are you a mercenary?"

Colette was momentarily flustered, and she pointed over Sheena's shoulder. "What in the world could that be?" she said.

Sheena turned. "What? I don't see anything?" She turned back, but Colette was gone. Shrugging, she moved on to talk to all the other people, and she finished by talking to Presea, who asked her to come along on the world regeneration journey.

Davin discovered that he couldn't really write a very interesting conversation between these two characters at this point in the story, so he moved on to when the other characters left. They said their goodbyes and left. Wow, Davin's just going overboard on the description, isn't he?

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The next morning, Sheena finished packing and took one last look around her room. This would likely be the last time she would see it for a while. She sighed.

Noticing an odd little sculpture that she didn't remember ever seeing before, Sheena walked over to it and reached to pick it up. With a puff of smoke, it turned into a funny-looking guy wearing a cape and a chef's hat. He was also holding a giant spoon.

"I am the mysterious gourmet, the Wonder Chef! I have come to teach you some essential recipes." The man thrust a piece of paper at Sheena, smiling cheerfully.

"What the... How long have you been in here?"

The Wonder Chef grinned widely. "A few days. You aren't very observant, are you?"

"You mean, you've been watching me while I sleep? While I changed and did my exercises?" Sheena began to turn red with rage.

The man took a step backwards. "Well, no, I-"

"PERVERT!!" Sheena drew back her hand and smacked the Wonder Chef so hard he flew backwards into a wall, his chef's hat flying off.

Rubbing his cheek, the Wonder Chef gathered up his hat and his giant spoon. "Fine. If you don't want to learn new recipes, just say so!" He smashed a window with his giant spoon and leaped through it, his cape flapping as he fled as fast as he could.

Sheena leaned out the window and shouted after him. "Don't ever let me catch you watching me again, you little creep!"

To her embarrassment, it was not the Wonder Chef who answered.

"As far as I am aware, you have not ever caught me watching you, not that I have ever done so." Kratos said, shading his eyes with his hand as he looked up at Sheena.

"Hehe, sorry. I wasn't talking to you." Sheena started turning red again, but this time not from rage. "I'll be right down."

She ducked back into her room and grabbed her bags, taking the stairs three at a time on her way down. She tripped on the last step, but turned it into a less-than-graceful back flip instead.

"You should be more careful. I'd be very upset if you'd broken your neck, lassie." Dirk admonished. "I've finished the bracelet you asked me to make." The hairy man handed Sheena a bracelet made of inhibitor ore, in the shape of two dolphins kissing, with the charm carved into it.

Sheena regarded the accessory with faint disgust before pocketing it. It was way too cutesy for her taste. She was just glad she didn't have to wear it. "Thanks, Dad."

"I hope you have a safe journey, Sheena. I packed some things for your trip." Dirk handed her a map, some gels, and some gald. "Come back and visit whenever you like."

"Love you too, Dad. Bye!" Sheena opened the door and stepped outside.

Immediately, Kratos glared at her. "Why did you not arrive on time to Presea's house? They left several hours ago."

"What? You mean that little robot left without me? After all the trouble I went through to help her get the oracle? Ingrate!"

"My brother was most insistent that I stay behind, also. He thought himself and Colette sufficient protection for the Chosen."

"Ha! Colette couldn't guard her way out of a paper bag. And, no offense, but your brother isn't half as threatening as he thinks he is. They'd do better with us with them."

Kratos nodded. "Mithos is quite arrogant. He insisted on leaving before you got to the village."

"Aaargh! That stupid jerk screwed me again! I'm definitely going to kill him the next time I see him." At an odd look from Kratos, she added. "You know what I mean." Sheena started turning red again.

Kratos shrugged. "I believe I shall help you kill Mithos. I have had enough of him as well."

Sheena struck a dramatic pose. "If we hurry, we can catch up to them and give Professor Yggdrasill the thrashing he deserves!"

And so, they rushed into the forest, headed for the village. They crashed through, smashing and breaking stuff, like usual, until they arrived at Iselia.

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The village was in flames, and S&M guys were running everywhere, lighting things on fire and whipping people. Jerks.

"Oh, no!" Sheena cried. Well, I don't know if that's quite accurate, since she wasn't in tears at the time. You know, the English language sure is funny, words being spelled the same but having different meanings and-

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!"

Yes, the village was on fire and Sheena didn't like that, so she ran through town, rescuing the villagers and beating up Desians. Kratos helped.

They came to the village square, where most of the townspeople were gathered by the meanest, nastiest, most S&Mest guy of them all, Lord Forcystus. He was so hardcore, he had only one eye and a giant metal gun-thing for a hand on one of his arms. Well, of course the replacement hand was on his arm! Where else would you put a replacement hand, on the back of your head?

(BLAM!)

That critic was proving harder to silence than Davin had thought. He resolved to use a bigger gun next time.

"I have passed judgement on this entire village for the actions of one person, that's how mean and nasty and S&M I am!" Forcystus said, waving his gun-thing around menacingly. "Sheena Fujibayashi, Come forth!"

Kratos grabbed her arm before she walked out of the crowd. "How does he know what your name is?"

"I don't know. Neither of us said our full names while we were at the human ranch. Well, come on, we have to advance the plot."

They stepped out of the crowd and confronted the Desians, brandishing their weapons. Well, Kratos was really the only one with a weapon, seeing as how Sheena just had cards.

"Hmph!" said Sheena, glaring up at the author. "I'll show him!"

Davin was too busy typing to notice that his characters were aware of him again.

"A-ha!" shouted Forcystus. "I've finally found you, even though I've really only been looking for you for about an hour or so!"

"You'll never take my Ex-Sphere, you lousy Desians! It belonged to my father, who you Desians murdered!"

Forcystus scratched his head. "We haven't threatened to take your Ex-Sphere yet."

"And Dirk didn't tell me that Desians killed my father, either." Sheena glared up at the author, who had zoned out for a second. "Somebody's not paying very good attention to what he's doing."

Davin still didn't notice. What an idiot.

HEY! He noticed _that_!

"We've prepared an appropriate opponent for your punishment." said Forcystus, the S&M guy. Davin suddenly got tired of that joke and decided not to use it again.

An enormous greenish monster stomped into view. It looked sort of like a giant walking booger. I'm sorry, but that's the first thing I thought when I saw the monster. I know it's immature, but come on, look at the thing!

"I hope you enjoy fighting this monster. It's somebody you know!" Forcystus cackled with evil glee. Okay, so he doesn't act like that in the game. Big deal. It's a parody, people!

"Anna." Kratos whispered.

The gigantic, mutated creature regarded them menacingly. Then, something incredible happened! The beast spoke!

"GREAAAGHHGHEEERAAAAAA- cough cough Blechhh." The beast withdrew an enormous hanky from its pocket and blew its nose vigorously, then spat. "Anna? No, no. I'm Desian #3. They say if I fight you, they'll turn me back into a human. So, if the lady with the nice body could just lose, please? I promise not to hurt you too badly."

Forcystus glared at the closest Desian lackey, who happened to be the creepy whip-wielding Desian from the previous chapter. "I told you to turn Anna into the monster, you idiot!"

A light bulb appeared over the Desian's head. "Oh, _monster_. See, I gave her a tommy gun and a pinstripe suit and told her to go collect the Palmacosta union dues. Should I not have done that?"

Forcystus whacked him with his gun-thing.

Kratos was threatening the Desian #3-monster with his sword. "I will not let you harm my friend!"

The monster dismissed him with a wave. "I'm not interested in talking to men. I'm more interested in what the girl with the impressive figure has to say."

Extraordinarily disturbed by being leered at by a ten-foot-tall green mutant, Sheena withdrew her cards and whirled them at the creature, giving it several dozen paper cuts at once. It howled in agony, then roared even louder when Kratos threw a bucket of raw lemon juice on it.

He slashed at it with his sword, and finally, under their combined efforts, it collapsed, falling backwards on top of Forcystus.

He yelled, more surprised than irritated. "Get off me!"

Desian #3 tightened his grip on Forcystus. "Run away, my curvy lady! It was nice knowing you!"

The creature vanished in brilliant burst of light. Its ex-sphere flew off and missed Kratos' head by a fraction of an inch.

Kratos could swear it was on purpose.

Forcystus struggled to his feet and straightened his uniform. "We will be back for you, Sheena Fujibayashi, even though we still outnumber you right now, and you aren't leveled-up enough to really pose a threat to us. You may count on it."

One of the Desian lackeys blew a few notes on a trumpet and the group departed.

The Mayor came over to Sheena and Kratos. His gaze drifted briefly, but snapped back up when Sheena cleared her throat. "This is all your fault! We told you to stay away from the ranch! Now the village is ruined because of you!"

Kratos shoved his way between them and looked down at the old man. "This was not entirely Sheena's fault. She would not have gone to the human ranch if I had not taken her with me. If you punish her, you will have to punish me as well."

"You?" The Mayor sighed. "Fine then. You and your brother were kind of weird, anyway. By the rights vested in me as mayor, I hereby announce the banishment of Sheena and Kratos. Get out!"

Sheena sighed heavily and hung her head, even though she didn't really live in Iselia, and would have been leaving soon anyway. "Come on, Kratos. Let's go."

Kratos put his hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing left for us here. I believe we should try to find out where Presea's group went. And also, we need to find Anna as well."

Presea's father came up to them, even though he didn't really know either of them, and told them that Presea went south to the Triet Desert. "The Chosen's group headed south, to the Triet Desert." See? You know, that joke's getting old, too.

The two left the village, headed south for the next continuation of the story.

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Author's Note: Whoa, covered a lot of ground in this chapter. As usual, review if you read this, please. It gives my ego a much-needed stroking. Wipe that grin off your face, you gutter-minded weirdo! You know exactly what I meant!


	5. Wandering Aimlessly

Wandering Aimlessly

Kratos and Sheena stumbled tiredly through the endless sand of the Triet Desert. Well, really only Sheena was stumbling, and the desert wasn't really endless. This isn't Tatooine, you know, the whole planet isn't covered in sand. There are some lovely forests, and some mountains, and a few pleasant little ocean communities. Yes, yes, get on with it, I know.

Sheena gestured up at the geeky-looking young man sitting on a chair-shaped cloud overhead, controlling everything that was going on through his magical laptop. He had formed a sunshade over his cloud, and had a nice cold drink in the cupholder of his cloud-chair.

"Why can't this jerk give us some shade, or give us a quick-jump option, or something? We've been wandering around in this stupid desert for almost a week, and it's driving me crazy! I've been surviving off the drips of condensation from his glass for the last two days!"

Kratos held out a water bottle. "I still have several bottles of water left. If you wanted one, all you had to do was ask."

Sheena turned bright red. "DIE!!" she yelled, tackling Kratos and pummeling him with her fists. He tried to fight back, but there's nothing stronger than an angry woman, trust me. Just a note to the readers: Don't tick off your girlfriend if you can help it. Don't use her favorite sweater to soak up an oil stain, or something equally boneheaded that might drive her to violence.

They fought an epic battle across the desert for no real reason, until they bumped into a wall. Or, crashed through it, more accurately. The combatants stopped a' kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer(you get a cookie if you can tell me what that's from) and stood up, looking around at their surroundings. They were in a House of Salvation, and had apparently interrupted a prayer service, judging by the horrified priests and NPCs.

Sheena straightened her clothes and coughed nervously. "Um, hi. Can... Can any of you tell us where the Chosen's group might be?"

The head priest gestured imperiously for them to leave, and they did, after stealing the diamond out of the Spiritua statue while nobody was looking.

They left the House of Salvation with its unwanted new door and headed outside, wondering what their next course of action would be.

"We will not accomplish our goal by simply searching for the Chosen by ourselves. We should ask others we encounter about Presea's whereabouts. Her father said they were going to Triet." Kratos said, a hint of condescension in his voice, as usual.

"Good idea." said Sheena, randomly mad she didn't think of it first. She walked over to a man with a large backpack and asked him if he had seen or had news of the Chosen's group.

"Why, certainly. They went south, to Triet."

Sheena considered smacking him, but decided against it. It occurred to her that Raine was the one that smacked people all the time, not her. Then Sheena wondered who Raine was and how she knew that Raine smacked people.

She shrugged. It was out of her mind the next second.

They went back inside the House of Salvation and rented a couple of beds, tired from a long day. None of the NPCs seemed to notice that they were the same individuals who had just smashed through the wall, and Kratos thought this was odd.

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The next morning, they set off again, and came upon Triet at about noon, despite starting out farther from it than they had been the previous day. Quick Jumps are awesome, aren't they?

"There should be information about Presea here." Kratos said as they strolled into Triet, the Desert Oasis. Suddenly, he stopped and threw his arm in front of her.

Sheena readied her smacking arm, but then looked up and saw the group of Desians. She pressed herself against the nearest wall and peered out at them. "How'd they know we were coming here?"

"I do not believe they know we are here. Otherwise, they would have attacked already. They are probably just searching for us."

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Well, what do we do now?"

Kratos pointed toward the animal stable a few feet from where they crouched. "I suggest we set Corrine free for the moment, as he would draw attention to us. Then, we should make for the stable, quickly." A-ha! You had forgotten all about Corrine, hadn't you?

"I've got a better idea. We use Corrine as a distraction, then we go left, to those shops, and buy ourselves some different clothes, so they won't recognize us." Seriously, why didn't they do this in the actual game? It would made things much easier for them.

Her friend shook his head. "Too risky. The locals may be working with the Desians. My plan is better for the moment."

Sheena scowled at him, but then nodded. She indicated the path past the Desians, then made a sweeping gesture. Corrine growled quietly, despite the fact that he could talk, then took off and ran past the Desians in the opposite direction Kratos and Sheena were headed. They scrambled for the stable and stopped once inside. Kratos peered over the wall, out at the town square.

"Your idea may have merit, after all. Look." He pointed at a poster the Desians had hung on the wall of the inn.

"They're gone. Let's go get a better look." Sheena stood and shook some sand off of her clothes. They walked over to the poster. She put her hands on her hips and sighed deeply. "Do I really look like that?"

The poster was a crude, hand-drawn likeness of her. The chest area was much larger than reality, revealing what whoever had drawn the picture had been paying attention to. Her outfit and hairstyle were fairly accurate, though, enough that someone would be able to recognize her from the poster.

Kratos remained silent, but was obviously amused. Sheena punched his arm.

After wandering around the city for a while, they gathered enough information to leave the city so Davin could introduce another couple of characters.

"Wait!" a voice shouted after them. They paused at the city gates and looked back. The group of Desians from earlier were running after them. They were bruised and bloodied, their uniforms torn.

"Are those... teeth marks?" Sheena wondered out loud.

"Please! If you call off your crazy dog, we'll forget we ever saw you!" the lead Desian pleaded. Just then, Corrine reappeared, gripping a struggling Desian by the seat of his pants. The Desian's pants, not Corrine's. Dogs don't wear pants, even if they look as weird as Corrine. He released the soldier, and he tripped into his comrades, knocking them all over.

Sheena was unable to contain her amusement at the sheer absurdity of the situation.

Suddenly, a huge ball of electricity smashed Corrine into a wall. As she turned around to see where it had come from, another ball hit her and knocked her out.

Kratos held up his hands, his mind whirling as he calculated plans. A soldier, who seemed to be another Desian, aimed his crossbow directly between Kratos' eyes. "Come with us." he said.

It would be futile to resist, Kratos decided. He was outnumbered, and Sheena and Corrine were both incapacitated.

Another soldier picked Sheena up, and they left the city.

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Before long, they reached a base in the desert. The soldier carrying Sheena proceeded up the steps, but the Desians guarding Kratos stopped.

"What should we do with this one?" one of them asked the guard at the door.

"We only need Fujibayashi. We don't have any use for him. I don't care what you do."

Why would these Desians need Sheena and not him? Kratos was there at the Iselia ranch, and was also present when they fought the monster Forcystus set against them. He went through possibilities in his mind as the two Desians continued their conversation.

Kratos balked at the next subliminal order he got from Davin. He was _not_ going to pretend to cry and get the soldiers to let him go.

"Fine!" Davin said, backspacing and re-typing the section he was working on. Some people.

"Well, I don't feel like killing him, so let's just let him go." one of them said to the other. Kratos sighed in relief.

They grabbed him by his collar and belts, and threw him out into the desert in the manner popularized by bouncers the world over, known as 'The Drunk Toss'. "Don't ever come back here!" they said. Hey, just like a bouncer!

After spitting out a mouthful of sand, Kratos started back to Triet, swearing revenge.

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Sheena woke up with a headache, her entire body tingling from the electricity. "Ohh, where am I?" She heard two Desians talking outside her cell.

"I don't see how that girl can escape execution." said the first soldier.

"Yeah, I kinda feel sorry for her." the second one said.

A third Desian came up to the others. "Hey, Lord Botta's calling for you." They left.

"A-ha!" Sheena said. "These must be the same Desians from the Martel Temple." She didn't even stop to consider that there had never been any evidence that Botta and Forcystus were not working out of the same ranch. It wasn't time to figure out that Botta wasn't a Desian yet.

Sheena looked as far out as the bars of her cell would let her. There were no other soldiers left in the room. She noticed that the door was not locked. "Idiots." She opened the door and stepped out into the corridor, just now noticing that her weapons were missing.

"Hey! Hey Youse! C'mere!" The voice sounded strangely familiar. Sheena looked around for the source.

It turned out be coming from the cell next to hers. It was a woman in a black suit with white pinstripes, and a black wide-brimmed hat. She looked extremely familiar. Sheena mentally put her in a burlap sack-dress and registered who it was, finally. "Anna?"

"Dat's my name, don' wear it out. How youse doin'?"

"How did you get here? And why are you talking like that?" Sheena was extremely confused.

"Well, dis crazy robot-man told dis guy ta turn me inta a mobster, so he hooks me up ta dis funny-lookin' machine, an' nex' thin' I know, I'm talkin' all funny and wearing dis suit. After he lets me out, he gives me a tommy gun an' tells me ta go ta Palmacosta an' collect da union dues. I ask youse, what's a union?" Anna slouched against the wall and adjusted her white tie.

Sheena shook her head. This was too bizarre. "I have no idea what a union is. How about I get you out of your cell?"

"I'd be much obliged to youse." Anna stood up and tipped her hat, which had a white hatband. Davin's trying to conjure the image of a 1930s mobster, in case you hadn't figured that out. You probably have, but you never know.

Feeling thoroughly confused and quite weirded out, Sheena tried the door. This one, of course, was locked. "I wish Lloyd was here. He's good with locks."

"Who's Lloyd?" Anna asked, lighting up a cigar. Don't smoke, children. It's bad for you.

Sheena was taken aback. "I don't know. This all feels familiar somehow. Anyway, how did you get here?"

Anna scowled and blew a perfect smoke ring, never mind the fact that she had never smoked before today. "Well, I was on my way to Palmacosta, when this guy wit red hair comes up to me an' asks me how I'm doin'. I says I'm fine, an' then I asks him where Palmacosta is. Then he starts actin' all interested an' says he'll take me there. Nex' thin' I know, he's coppin' a feel! So I smacks him and tells him I ain't that kind of broad. He gets all mad, and then nex' thin' I know, I'm here in this cell. What a poivert."

Sheena managed to get the door open, and Anna stepped out. Immediately, Sheena smacked her across the face.

"Ow! What did you do that for?" She paused. "Hey, I'm talking normal again! Thank you, Sheena!"

"Don't mention it. The accent was annoying me. Now, let's get our weapons and get out of here."

Anna looked down at her clothes with disgust. "Ugh. These stripes are not flattering. And these shoes! Blecch! I'm going to have to have a word with those Desians about their fashion sense." She kicked the still-lit cigar away, ignoring that it was a fire hazard, and probably expensive, besides.

"Whatever. Let's go." Sheena grabbed the woman by the arm and dragged her along. This was turning out to be an absolutely horrible day.

They found their equipment, and, surprisingly, Anna had retained her knowledge of how to operate the gun. Sheena gave her the Key Crest, and they made their way out into the base.

They were surprised by two guards. "P-prison Break!" one of them shouted.

"Hey, I love that show!" the other one said. "Though the third season isn't as good as the first two. That's what happens when you extend a show beyond its premise. You know, I think they should have gotten away at the end of the second season. They were practically gone, anyway, and then, bam, here comes the cops! Talk about-" The guard was smacked by his companion.

"Shut up and subdue the prisoners, idiot."

"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" Anna suddenly yelled, her cigar reappearing in her clenched teeth. She brought up her tommy gun and sprayed a hail of bullets at the soldiers. They collapsed to the floor.

Sheena looked at her companion in shock.

"Wow, I did that? Yikes." Anna rested her gun on her shoulder and strolled up the corridor, whistling a cheerful tune as she took another puff on her cigar.

Walking warily ahead, Sheena gingerly stepped over the two Desians. They made their way through the base, occasionally having to stop and fight some soldiers and solve a puzzle or two. Eventually, they found a room and ducked into it.

"Well, hello there! And just who might you two hunnies be?" The speaker was a man with long red hair and a pink jacket. He was openly leering at both of them, and Sheena felt the sudden urge to take a shower. The walls were covered in pictures of scantily clad women, and there was a fireplace, which had a white fur rug in front of it. A desk had several questionable sculptures on it, and a heap of presents in one corner completed the room's furnishings.

"I hate him already." She crossed her arms over her chest to block his view.

"I am the master of this place. Please, make yourself comfortable." He stepped over to Anna. "I'll take that, thanks." he said as he took her gun He tossed it to Botta, who walked into the room just then. "If you want to get out of those dirty clothes, that's fine." He took Anna's cigar, and surprisingly, took a couple of puffs on it before tossing it into the fireplace.

The man took Sheena's hand and kissed it. "Please, tell me your name."

Sheena yanked her hand away. "Tell me yours first."

He chuckled. "Ooh, feisty. I like that. I am Zelos."

"Sheena."

"Sheena?!? You're Sheena Fujibayashi?" He took a step back. "I didn't know you were here. I think I'm going to have to take you back to your cell."

She jumped back and dropped into a defensive stance. "Try it."

Botta tugged on Zelos' sleeve, eliciting an annoyed glare from the lecherous man. "Sir, the Chosen's group is here!"

Zelos cursed under his breath. "Our plans will be ruined if she sees me! Botta, kill them. Sorry, hunnies." He left the room. As the doors closed, he blew Sheena a kiss.

"Ugh." The urge to shower intensified.

Kratos charged into the room, followed by Mithos, Presea and Colette. A furious fight ensued, with the end result being Botta's weapon getting broken and him fleeing. Yes, it was a very exciting battle, full of plenty of impressive attacks and narrow escapes. Too bad for you that Davin's too lazy to type it out.

Mithos picked up the broken weapon. "Hey, inferior beings, is this an Ex-sphere?"

"No time. We need to leave here, now." Kratos looked at Anna strangely. She shrugged.

"Hello, Sheena!" Colette said. She started to walk over to Sheena, but tripped and crashed into her instead.

"Movement speed reduction resulting from unnecessary communication. Maximum speed departure recommended." Presea said.

"The robot's right, brats. We need to get out of here." Mithos led the way to the outside of the base, where they decided to go back to Triet for now.

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Author's Note: I said that I would update this whenever I felt like it, and I haven't felt like it for a while. Don't think I've abandoned this story, though. I've got plenty more where this came from. Keep on laughing, or retching, whichever this story makes you do.


	6. Hottest Place Ever

Hottest. Place. Ever.

The sun had fallen, so they decided to make camp after they got far enough away from the Desian base. Okay, one, the sun still existed, and hadn't fallen anywhere. The planet just turned away from it, causing darkness. The motion of the sun is an illusion, people. It's the planet that's mov-

(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!)

"Stupid critic! Why won't you die?!" Davin placed the gun back in the compartment of his cloud-chair. He knew he had hit him this time, but he would probably be back.

Anyway, Colette had managed to trip on some sand, and had also managed to knock herself out on a rock. Mithos tied her up, at the protest of the others, and left her behind as they continued walking.

Next, he snatched the diamond Sheena had nicked from the House of Salvation, saying she didn't deserve to have it. "Hey, inferior beings! This is a cubic zirconium. You stole a fake diamond, you morons!"

Kratos turned to Sheena. "Why did you take that, anyway? That didn't make sense. "

She shrugged. "I don't really know. Stuff like that keeps happening."

"I'm so glad we finally rid ourselves of that idiotic mercenary. She was so annoying! The whole time you were gone, I kept thinking I would kill her. I was about to, before you showed up." Mithos was telling his brother. Kratos was silent, typical of his behavior when his brother was around. Yggdrasill didn't seem to notice.

Sheena and Anna were attempting to teach Presea how to play Poker, but the Chosen wasn't doing well. She kept asking Sheena if this was an efficient use of their time. Aces kept mysteriously appearing in Anna's hand.

They were around a campfire in the desert, waiting for the sun to come up so they could go back to Triet. Presea had discovered where the first seal was located, and they were going there after they stocked up in Triet.

Eventually, after a few too many suspicious wins by Anna, they quit their Poker game and went to sleep.

----------------------------------------

The next morning, they went to Triet, and once again, none of the NPCs recognized them. One man kept repeating the same thing over and over whenever Sheena tried to talk to him, and she finally gave up and tried someone else. Same thing.

"Are all these people stuck, or what?" Sheena greeted another person, and without returning her greeting, he started talking about fish. Fish! In the middle of the desert. What's a guy in a desert town know about fish?

Mithos was amusing himself with someone who only said "Yes, of course."

"Are you an idiotic inferior being?"

"Yes, of course."

"Do you mind if I kick you?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can I do it anyway?"

"Yes, of course."

Mithos kicked the NPC. "Did that hurt?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can I do it again?"

"Yes, of course."

"Why thank you." Mithos kicked the NPC again, knocking him over. "Did that hurt as well?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can I steal everything you own and then kick you again?"

"No." The NPC stood up and shook himself off, glaring at Mithos.

Kratos grabbed his brother's arm. "We're ready to go now. Come on." Mithos peered closer at the NPC he had been abusing, trying to figure out what was going on.

Sheena scratched her head. "Aren't we supposed to stay at the inn first?"

Davin shook his head. "No."

She looked up at him. "Are you sure? I think we're supposed to stay at the inn before we go to the fire seal."

The author frowned, opening up the outline document on his laptop. "Nope. You go straight to the Fire Seal from here."

"That doesn't sound right. Are you sure you're remembering the game correctly?"

Davin pulled a GameCube out of a compartment on his chair, plugging it into a giant television that appeared out of thin air in front of him. Muttering something about stupid over-aware characters, he turned the GameCube on and played it for a few minutes. Finally, he turned it off, and the television disappeared.

"You're right, you do have to stay at the inn. That's sort of an important series of scenes. Good catch."

"Thank you!" Sheena said, smiling widely.

The author leaned over the side of his cloud to glare at her. "Now, stop noticing me, or I'll make you kiss Mithos! Got it?"

She blanched. "I'll be good."

They went to the inn, rented some rooms, and filed off to their respective rooms. You know, you put the word 'rooms' in that sentence twice.

(BLAM!)

"Begone, foul critic!" Davin yelled, pumping several rounds into the bespectacled fat man.

"You... can kill me... but two more will take my place..." the critic said, as he stumbled off out of sight.

Sheena walked into Mithos and Kratos' room, to find Kratos already asleep and Mithos looking at the weapon Botta had dropped that had an Ex-sphere in it.

Sheena looked up. "You still skipped part of the story, you know."

Davin merely pointed a warning finger at her, and she fell silent, not willing to endure the consequences of defying the author.

The girl considered pinching Kratos' nose, but decided against it. He was unlikely to react well to that. She talked to Mithos about the Ex-sphere for a while, and he threatened her into fixing it so he could use it. Sheena fled the room, and as she did, she noticed Colette walking outside.

"Wait a minute. Didn't we leave Colette tied up in the desert?" Sheena scratched her head in puzzlement.

"Whoops." said the author. Colette vanished in a puff of logic.

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The group passed a peaceful night in the Triet Inn, and packed up to leave the next morning. After consulting an NPC, they made sure of the Fire Seal's location and set off for the ruined ancient city.

After getting lost twice in the desert, and being forced to eat Robin's minstrels, there was much rejoicing. They eventually found the Holy Grail, er, Fire Seal, and stopped in part of the wrecked city. You used that description already, you know.

Davin got out his gun and looked around for the critic. He was nowhere to be seen. To his horror, more criticisms began appearing in what he had already typed and was preparing to execute. His magical laptop had been hacked!

OMGWTFBBQ!! SUxXORZ! Th1S STORY iS PWNeD BY THe W$OM3 pOW3R oF tEh cRiTIC!!1!1!!! 1337!

Davin hit ctrl+alt+delete and let the story write itself while he called tech support. As usual, the operator was less than helpful. Yes, Davin was sure he knew what the problem was! He just wanted to know how to fix it!

Surprisingly, the characters pretty much followed the script. Since Colette wasn't there, Kratos taught everyone the special moves, and Presea moved to the door, preparing to open it.

Anna kicked the door a couple times with a wingtip shoe. "Isn't this a magitechnology door?"

"Yes." Mithos said in a monotone. "It must have been left here from the Ancient War." He kicked a rock. "You know what? The author's busy yelling at the tech support guy. Screw you guys, I'm gone!"

Yggdrasill took off to fly away, but Davin had fixed his computer by then (_without_ assistance from the snide tech support guy), and he knocked the errant character out of the sky with a lightning bolt. Yggdrasill scowled at him and rejoined the party.

Under the prodding of more lightning bolts, they put away the cake and ice cream and hurriedly dashed for the entrance.

They went inside the temple, and instantly they were soaked with sweat. The little bucket-carrying monsters snickered and ran away, dodging rocks and throwing knives.

They universally agreed to go back to Triet and take showers, but Davin forced them to continue with their exploration of the temple. He didn't have time for that.

Guided by threats and promises of treasure, the group headed deeper into the temple and solved the puzzles and fought some enemies. It wasn't really that interesting. They finally made their way to the warp to the Seal Room. Just before they all stepped on the platform, a familiar, dreaded voice stopped them.

"Wait up, you guys!"

Mithos shuddered. "I thought we got rid of her. Why is she here?"

"..." said Kratos.

Sheena shrugged, and Anna shifted her cigar to the other side of her mouth. Sheena wondered where Anna got another cigar, and why. She was still wearing her pinstripe suit and wide-brimmed fedora, despite the fact that she had expressed disdain for both.

Colette came up to them, managing to trip only three times on her way up the stairs. "I thought I would never find you guys!"

"So did we." muttered Mithos.

"Why are you following us?" Sheena asked. "We haven't ever given you any Gald, and you're supposed to be a mercenary. Mercenaries work for money."

"Oh, you guys." Colette smiled. "It's not about the Gald."

"Can we make it about money?" Mithos came up holding a big jingling bag.. "We'll give you all this if you go away and never come back. Ever."

Colette laughed. "You're so funny, Mithos. That's why I like you."

He looked her right in the eyes and said: "I hate you. I hate your laugh, I hate your clothes, I hate the fact that you don't seem to understand the fact that I hate you, and oh, yes, let's not forget the fact that I HATE YOU!!!!! GO DIE IN A CORNER, BEING GNAWED ON BY RATS LIKE THE FILTHY INFERIOR BEING THAT YOU ARE!!!!!!!"

Colette's lower lip quivered, and she burst into tears. "Y-you m-m-musn't say th-things like that!" She ran to Kratos and buried her face in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably.

Flustered, he patted her on the back. "There, there." he said tonelessly.

Sheena glared at Professor Yggdrasill. "You see what you did?"

Presea cut off whatever Mithos was going to say next by stepping onto the warp platform. They all scrambled after her, Anna pausing to light her cigar on a nearby torch. Once again, this story does not endorse smoking. Put down your protest signs, already.

They arrived in the Seal room. It was a big room with a seal in it. Barking noisily, it left. Davin ignored the groans from the audience, who had obviously expected him to make that joke.

"I feel incredible mana welling up." said Kratos, finally succeeding in prying Colette off of him. She blew her nose on a corner of his cape-thing and stepped back, glaring at Mithos.

Yggdrasill ignored her and readied his sword. At first it was long and purple, with a red gem in the handle, but suddenly Davin realized Yggdrasill wouldn't have that particular sword in this story, and so it changed into a regular-looking blade.

Fortunately for Davin, nobody noticed.

A huge, spiky tiger-thing appeared and growled menacingly. It had two equally ugly offspring with it. The whole group geared up for a fight, and started a stare-down with the monster.

Anna clamped her teeth down on her cigar and pulled her tommy gun out of a plot-hole. "Eat lead, beastie!" She sprayed the three creatures with bullets and they all fell over, dead.

The others stared at her. Kratos was especially disbelieving, and he threw a 'What the heck?' look at Davin, floating overhead. Davin paused long enough to shrug and say "Deal with it." He resumed typing.

Having dealt with the creatures much faster than expected, the group all stood around waiting for something to happen. Sheena shuffled her cards and played a hand of solitaire, while Anna cleaned her gun. Mithos attacked Kratos for no real reason, and the two of them dueled around the chamber while Presea stood perfectly still in front of the altar.

With a bright glow of light and angelic chorus, Remiel appeared, hopping on one foot in midair while pulling on one of his shoes. "Sorry, everyone. You were supposed to be a few more minutes fighting that thing." He glared down at Anna, who shrugged and put her gun back into the plot-hole for the next time she would need it.

"Now, ahem, Chosen, step forth and receive a blessing from Cruxis."

"Yes." said Presea. She stepped in front of the altar, and Remiel tossed a handful of pixie dust at her. She sprouted energy-feather wings and started to hover. Her face remained expressionless. "Thank you."

"Now, you may get a bit sick for a while, but it should clear up in the morning. The next seal is at the Thoda geyser. You have to go to the Ossa Trail from here, and from there go to Izoold. Get a ship and sail to Palmacosta, and from there go south until you find the Thoda dock. Sorry I can't be more specific, but you have to do some of the work yourself." At his mention of Palmacosta, Anna's attention was perked. "I'll see you all later!" He disappeared in a flash of light.

Sheena threw her hands up in the air. "Could he have possibly have been more cryptic? We have no idea where to go from here!"

"We'll muddle through somehow." said Mithos sarcastically "Let's go."

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AN: Sorry for the short chapter, but that was a good place to end it. The next chapter will be up approximately sometime this century. Tell me what you think, as always.


	7. A Real Group of Heroes

A Real Group of Heroes

The group left the Fire Seal, headed north for the Ossa Trail. They stopped for the night in the ruins, and they all had meaningful conversations with each other. Since this is a humorous parody, and not serious in the slightest, Davin did not include their conversation in the story. Too bad for you.

The next morning, they ran across the sand, quite tired of being in the desert. They reached the end of the desert, and at the sight of green, there was much rejoicing. Unfortunately, they had run out of minstrels to eat, so they continued up the trail.

Enjoying the pleasant scenery, they strolled along in no particular hurry, actually chatting amiably among themselves for once. This was all stopped by a high, childish voice shouting for them to stop.

As they stopped, a small white-haired boy in a blue shirt and short pants jumped down from where he had been standing and brandished a ball-in-a-cup at them. "Which one of you is the Chosen?" he demanded, not succeeding at all in being threatening.

Presea stepped forward. "I am the Chosen." she said in her usual monotone.

"Go away, little boy, before we stomp you into the ground." Mithos succeeded in being threatening, as usual. Perhaps the little boy should learn from his example.

"No! I have a mission, and I'm going to carry it out. Prepare to die!" Short Pants raised his toy and charged at them, still not menacing at all.

Colette stepped forward, her arms open welcomingly. "There's no need to fight. We can all be friends here." Immediately after she stopped speaking, she tripped over something in the grass and fell down.

The Short Pants Kid fell down, too, but he fell a lot farther. A trapdoor of some kind had opened up underneath him, and he plummeted into it, screaming. Sheena felt a strong pang of sympathy for him, though she didn't know why.

Mithos peered into the hole eagerly. "Hey, do you think he's dead?"

Kratos shook his head. "Even assuming his weight to be 60 pounds, the hole to be four meters deep, and the gravity constant at 9.8, the fall should not have been fatal."

"Rats. Come on, inferior beings, we don't have all day." Mithos stood up and strode off down the trail, followed by the other members of the group.

Sheena poked Kratos' arm. "What's the gravity constant have to do with it?"

He shrugged. "It's supposed to make me sound smart, I assume."

Sheena frowned in concentration. "Where would the gravity constant differ? It's supposed to be slightly stronger at the poles, but we're nowhere near one."

Kratos shrugged again. "Don't think about it too hard. If you do, everything stops making sense."

"You're right."

The gang continued through the pass, destroying monsters and random rocks. Mithos wanted to ambush a Church of Martel pilgrimage for their valuables, but was restrained by the less psychopathic members of the group.

They stopped for a breather at a clearing. Mithos and Kratos decided to practice their swordsmanship, and Anna challenged Sheena to a game of blackjack. They agreed Presea would be the dealer, because they knew she wouldn't cheat.

"18. Hit me."

Presea reached down below the makeshift table they were using, and came up with her axe. Before Sheena could explain that what Presea was about to do was not what 'Hit me' meant, the Chosen clocked her across the face with her axe handle.

As Sheena pulled herself back up, she noticed the faintest hint of a smirk vanish from Presea's mouth. Chosen or not, she prepared to smack Presea back, but was interrupted by Kratos crashing through their table, cards, chips, and splinters of wood flying everywhere. Mithos had apparently gotten carried away and had thrown him.

Anna pushed her hat back on her head with one hand and lit a fresh cigar with the other. Nobody could figure out where she was getting the cigars from, and despite their urgent pleading, she refused to stop smoking them. Sheena was worried that she would start back up with her obnoxious accent any time now. If she did, Sheena was more than willing to administer another "treatment".

Taking Kratos' accidental destruction of the blackjack table as their cue to leave, they packed up their things and set off down the pass again. They came to the end of Ossa Trail, and as they started to head out into open country again, the childish voice from earlier cried out after them.

"Stop!" He was covered in dirt and grime, and his knee was scraped, and he was still not at all threatening.

Mithos grumbled. "How many times do we have to kill this cretin?"

"Once more, apparently. Anna, would you do the honors?" None of them could figure out which one of them said this, and more than one questioning look was directed at the author, but he didn't notice and kept typing.

"Soitenly." She pulled her tommy gun out of the plot-hole where she kept it, and pulled the trigger. All that came out of the gun was a loud clicking sound. Anna glared at the weapon, smacked it, and pulled the trigger again. Just more clicking. "Maybe it's empty. Go on without me, guys." She waved them towards the small child, and stuck her arm into the plot-hole, searching for more bullets.

"Wait, instead of killing him, how about we make friends with him and find out why he's trying to hurt Presea?" suggested Colette. This idea was universally rejected, and the group charged towards the tiny assassin.

They wiped the floor with him. They beat the crap out him. They kicked his ass. Say it however you want, the group of heavily armed teenagers and adults defeated the small child armed with what appeared to be a toy. Heroic bunch of people, aren't they?

"Now that we've inflicted a substantial amount of damage on you, would you mind telling us your name?" said Mithos, in what seemed to almost be a non-threatening tone of voice.

"It's Genis. Genis Sage."

Sheena suddenly spoke up. "Do you have a sister named Raine who likes to smack people?"

Genis looked stunned. "Yeah, I do. How'd you know?"

Sheena cradled her head in her hands. "I have no idea. These things keep happening to me, and I don't know why."

"Found 'em!" announced Anna, triumphantly holding up a magazine of bullets for her so-didn't-belong-in-this-universe tommy gun. "Oh, darn. The fight's over. Oh, well. Maybe next time."

Genis shuddered. Then he pointed past them and yelled "What in the world could that be?"

Mithos was the first to look. "What? I don't see anythi- Inconceivable! He got away." He smacked Kratos on the back of the head. "You should have been watching him."

"I was watching him."

"Then where did he go?"

"Into that giant hole in the side of the mountain." said Sheena, who had also been watching Genis, yet had failed to stop him from leaving. Or chose not to. Whatever.

The group of homicidal maniacs headed into the mountain in pursuit of Genis. Well, we know Mithos is a homicidal maniac, but the others might not be. Yet.

They ran around in the network of tunnels for a while, searching for their intended victim. Thankfully for Genis, they were unable to find him. They did, however, find a floating skull-thing. Colette walked over to investigate, tripped, and crashed into the skullalamabob. It turned into a fifteen-foot-tall skeleton armed with a whole mess o' weapons.

"Inconceivable!" Mithos exclaimed.

Stallord- er, the Sword Dancer, that is, started off on a whole big long speech about how he was searching for a hero worthy to challenge him and all that boring crap, and then he fought the group.

The group was, of course, under-leveled, having spent most of the time they could have spent training arguing with one another. They were collectively drop-kicked out of the mine/tunnel network/maintenance passage/whatever it is by the big skullymacreature, landing outside the entrance.

"We were defeated! Inconceivable!" Mithos raged.

"You keep using that word." Sheena observed. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Shut up."

"I think we need to try and find Izoold. It's probably not far from here." Kratos got out the map. Not being an idiot, he quickly located Izoold, and figured out how to get there from where they were.

Along the way, they fought twelve rabbits, eight bandits, eighteen snakes, nine buzzards, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Sheena looked at the ruins of the tree. She turned to Mithos. "Was that really necessary?"

He looked back at her. "Yes. Yes, it was."

She edged away from him, resolving to talk to him as little as possible from now on.

The gang arrived in Izoold, the Fishing Village, and were promptly assaulted by the smell of fish.

"Give us all your money, and nobody gets hurt!" The leader of The Smell of Fish demanded, waving an axe. The Smell of Fish was the local gang, and they made life difficult for everyone.

Anna pulled out her tommy gun and shot them all, lighting up another cigar. "Problem solved."

Even Mithos was disturbed by her casual disregard for life, and he edged slowly away from her."I say we turn her in."

Anna spun around and grabbed him by the front of his jumpsuit, jamming the muzzle of her gun into his neck. "Oh, a squealer, huh? I'll show ya what we do wit people like you!" She blew a cloud of smoke into his face and jammed her gun harder into his neck.

Mithos squeaked and gasped in pain.

Anna grinned around her cigar. "Don' like dat, do ya?"

"No, it's just... You're pinching my nipple. Let go."

Kratos very gently put his hand on Anna's shoulder. "Let him go, Anna. He's not worth it. Let's go get a room at the inn."

Anna blew another puff of smoke into Mithos' face and shoved him away, 'accidentally' firing a few rounds into the ground at his feet. "When yer right, yer right, Kratos. Let's get outta here." She strolled off, whistling cheerfully.

Everyone else slowly followed.

"I could have taken her," Mithos was insisting. "It's just wrong to hit girls, is all."

Sheena glared at him. "You never hesitate to hit me."

Mithos peered closer at her. "You're a girl?"

She glared at him again, confusedly this time. "Isn't it obvious?"

He looked at her thoughtfully for a second. "Not really." He turned and walked off, leaving Sheena confused and angry behind him.

She turned to Presea. "I don't look like a man, do I?"

The Chosen shook her head. "Judging by your physical characteristics and vocal tone, your gender is female. Also, DNA scan reveals that you are genetically female. Mithos' conclusion is erroneous, based on overwhelming contradictory evidence."

"Gee, that makes me feel so much better." Sheena said angrily. She once again resolved to kill Mithos at the first possible opportunity. What a jerk. Mithos, not her. Well, killing people is kind of illegal pretty much everywhere, so I guess it could apply to her.

---------------------------------------------------

That night, as everyone was sleeping. Sheena quietly rose from her bed and crossed to where Anna's suit coat was draped over a bedpost. She searched through the pockets, looking for something to kill Mithos with. Again, this story does not endorse murder. Don't kill people, children. It's not nice.

She found several cigars, which she threw away, some bullets for Anna's gun, a set of brass knuckles, an icepick, a pair of pliers, and finally, something really interesting. Three sticks of dynamite.

Grinning, she replaced the other items and crossed to Mithos' bed. She slowly drew back the covers, careful not to wake him, but she needn't have bothered. He was out cold, and a marching band playing next to his head wouldn't have woken him. When Mithos insisted on his beauty sleep, nothing prevented him from getting it.

Noticing this, Sheena slapped him a couple of times and tied his hands and feet together. Next, she slipped the dynamite under his pillow and hooked up the fuse. She had no idea how to do it, seeing as how she'd never done it before, but conveniently, the knowledge appeared in her brain. Sheena strung the fuse along the floor and out the window, climbing outside and setting up the detonator box several yards away.

She climbed back in and covered Mithos up again. Now it just looked like he was sleeping, and not about to blow up. Setting her alarm to make sure she woke up before Mithos did, Sheena got back into bed, chuckling as she fell asleep.

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The next morning, Sheena ushered everybody out of the inn, saying Mithos wasn't pleasant when he first woke up, and they should leave him alone. Sheena quietly moved over to the detonator box, raising the handle.

Just then, Kratos and Anna walked over, and Sheena pretended she was leaning on the handle, careful not to put any pressure on it.

"Hi, guys!" she said cheerfully. "What's up?"

"My dynamite an' my cigars are missin' Ya wouldn' happen ta know anyting about dis, would ya?" Anna adjusted her hat and straightened her tie as she spoke, her tone vaguely threatening.

Sheena shook her head. "Nope. Maybe Mithos took them. He's kind of a jerk, don't you think? Would you be sad if he was gone?"

"Not in da slightest." Anna said, lighting up a cigar. Seriously, smoking is really bad for you. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you start smoking because of this story, I'm not responsible. Put down your torches and pitchforks, already.

Kratos shrugged. "He is certainly cruel, but he is my brother, and he is the only family I have. I would not wish much harm on him."

At this, Sheena decided not to blow up the inn, and she stepped away from the detonator. Unfortunately, Anna leaned her gun on the handle as she swept some lint off her pinstriped suit, and the weight of the weapon pushed the handle down.

Sheena saw this happening, and she dived for cover as the inn exploded in a gigantic fireball, flattening the surrounding buildings and people.

Kratos picked himself up, looking over at what was left of the inn. "Mithos was still in there." he said almost sadly.

Anna straightened her hat and looked at the detonator and the wires leading up to the former inn. "Uh-oh. I tink dis violates my parole. If anybody asks, youse ain't seen me in a week." She started to run off, but Kratos grabbed her arm.

"Where are you going?"

"Watch da suit, yeah? I'm leavin' before da coppers show up."

The three of them heard a sudden siren blaring out, and Anna paled.

"Too late, dey're already here!" She pulled out her gun and clamped down on her cigar. "Well, dey ain't sendin' me ta da big house witout a fight!"

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The sirens turned out to be, not police, as Anna feared, but a little boy with a "My Little Policeman" play megaphone. Upon discovering the source of the noise, Anna snatched the toy megaphone away from the little boy and chucked it into her handy plot-hole. He began wailing, but before many people noticed, Anna slipped him some Gald.

"Youse didn' see nothin', Capice?" She patted the little boy on the cheek and strolled away, whistling innocently.

The rest of the group picked themselves out of the ruins of the inn. Anna helped Sheena to her feet.

"'ere, lemme help youse up."

Sheena froze. "What did you say?"

"I said 'lemme help youse up.' You goin deaf or somethin?"

Remembering her earlier 'cure' for Anna's mobster accent, Sheena promptly smacked her across the face. Without thinking, Anna slapped her back. Some readers secretly hoped for a catfight, but Davin shot that idea down like Dick Cheney. That's right, that joke's still relevant. It wasn't that long ago.

"Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry, Sheena. I know you were just trying to help and- Hey, wait! I'm talking normal again! Thank you!"

"Fughettaboutit. Wait, what's goin' on here? Oh, great! Ya gave me yer crazy talk. Dat's jus' lovely. Now whattawe gonna do?"

"I don't know. Until we find a way to get rid of your mobster accent, I suppose you'd better wear this suit." Anna pulled at the pinstriped jacket. "C'mon, we'll switch clothes and I'll show you how to use the tommy gun." They headed off behind the one remaining wall of the inn.

Meanwhile, Kratos had done all that boring business with Lyla and Max and secured their transportation to Palmacosta. He found out that Mithos had survived the explosion without a scratch, and considered leaving him there, but Colette had already freed him. He got everyone else onto the boat, and then went looking for Anna and Sheena.

When he found them, he was very confused. Now, Sheena was wearing the black suit with white pinstripes, black shirt with white tie, and the black wide-brimmed fedora with the white hatband. She held the tommy gun in her hands, and of course, had a cigar in one corner of her mouth.

Mobster chic.

Anna was wearing Sheena's clothes, and had pulled her brown hair up into Sheena's customary hairstyle. She smiled at Kratos, whirling a pack of cards through a complicated shuffle pattern.

He frowned, then scowled, and then let his face settle into a blank expression, having gone through all the others he possessed. This made no sense to him, but then very little else had made sense on this journey. If the girls wanted to switch identities, then fine. It fit very well with everything else that had been happening.

"Come on, the others are waiting." He gestured off at the pier, and they followed him.

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Did you laugh? Cry? Hurl? Well, review and tell me what you thought!


	8. In Which the Gang Arrives at Palmacosta

In which the gang arrives at Palmacosta

The gang, since I think they qualify as one now, assembled on the boat, and Max set sail for the city of Palmacosta, their next destination.

Well, I think that's obvious from the title of the chapter, isn't it?

Davin slowly removed his gun from its compartment on his cloud-chair and surreptitiously glanced around for the critic. He'd caused the author too many problems, and he was going to get rid of him once and for all now. He kept typing with one hand, and because of this, the world moved in slow motion.

The characters were aware of this, and Mithos was amusing himself by walking exaggeratedly, like a burglar in a cartoon. He started jumping with his long steps, and was floating above the deck, laughing distortedly.

Davin set the gun down within easy reach and resumed typing with both hands. The story resumed, though spelling, grammar, and continuity errors began to leak through, since he was distracted.

Kratos turned to Sheena. "Does it feel like we have been on this boat for a long time?"

Sheena, who had switched roles with Anna and was now the mobster of the group, pushed her wide-brimmed hat back on her head and frowned around her cigar. "Ya know, I think youse is right. It seems like we've been on dis boat for months."

"Estimated duration of ocean journey approximately five months." said Presea robotically. "Time passed inconsistent with distance to Palmacosta." She turned to face the others. "I believe we are lost."

Max, the owner of the boat, drew himself up indignantly. "We are _not_ lost. If it's anybody's fault, it's his!" He pointed up at Davin, floating overhead in his cloud-chair. "Isn't he responsible for advancing the story?"

Kratos frowned up at the author, who was searching more for the critic than he was paying attention to the fact that the characters were aware of him again. "Perhaps he got distracted. I believe he is writing other stories, also."

Davin heard this, and looked down at Kratos. "You know you're just a character in a story?"

He nodded. "I am, and have been for quite some time."

"And that doesn't bother you?" the author asked.

Kratos shrugged minutely. "Not especially."

Davin adjusted his glasses. "Huh." He looked back down at his magic laptop and resolved to be nicer to Kratos from now on. Then he realized what had just happened and sighed angrily at his inability to keep the characters from knowing he was there. Perhaps his laptop was defective.

The rest of the trip was fairly pleasant, save when Mithos and Sheena simultaneously discovered the other was cheating at Cribbage and a fight almost broke out. Kratos was able to soothe tempers by chucking the Cribbage board over the side and forcing them to play Go Fish instead. This irritated Max, who was the (former) owner of the Cribbage board.

Anna, now being the main character while Sheena was the mobster, leaned against the railing of Max's boat and breathed in the sea air. It smelled like salt and dead fish.

Sheena, having tired of Go Fish, sidled up to her and took off her jacket. Anna noticed Sheena was wearing a shoulder holster with a revolver in it. Anna briefly wondered where she had gotten it, but then remembered that the mobster character had a plot-hole at their disposal. Lucky.

"So, uh, youse wanna buy a Rolex?"

"Sheena, Mobsters don't sell fake Rolexes. You're thinking of a hustler."

"Oh, sorry. I'm still kinda new ta dis whole Mobster ting." She dropped the watches back into the plot-hole. Maybe she'd sell them when they got to Palmacosta.

Speaking of Palmacosta, it was on the horizon. They arrived and got off the boat. Wow, Davin's really going overboard on the descriptions, isn't he? Shut up, I'm bored and want to get to the funny part.

The group strolled down the street without a heading in mind. Today's weather was fairly nice. It was sunny and warm, the kind of day that made you want to lie on the grass and do nothing. Colette was heading off to do just that, when she crashed into somebody. Big surprise.

"...!" said the person she had crashed into. Mithos snickered.

"Ahh! The Palma potion we just received!" said another person in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.

Anna surveyed the other group of people. They consisted of: A skinny, stringy-haired young man dressed like Kratos, who Colette had bumped into, a tall woman that looked vaguely like Mithos, a midget(sorry, 'little person') that was dressed like Presea, and finally, most bizarrely, a man who was dressed like Anna was at the moment, albeit slightly more masculinely.

Overhead, on his cloud, Davin glared at his laptop's screen. That last sentence had been terribly run-on, but since it was already out there, there was nothing he could do about it. He shrugged and resumed his typing.

The woman that looked like Mithos shook her fist at them. "You inferior beings better get us another Palma potion, or we'll have to hurt you!"

Mithos put his hand in front of his doppelganger's(Davin stared at the word. Had he spelled it wrong?) forehead and made the OK sign. She copied the gesture. Mithos released his index finger and the woman went flying. He did not. Go flying, that is.

He cast Judgment, and the impostor group troubled them no more until the next time it would be funny to bring them into the plot.

"Hey, where's Sheena?" This from Colette, who was attempting to get the Palma potion stains out of her shirt.

Anna closed her eyes and crossed her fingers. "Please, Martel, if you have any mercy in your soul, don't let her be doing what I think she's doing."

Her hopes were dashed by the sound of a few shots from the tommy gun.

They rushed towards the sound of the gunfire and came across what Anna had hoped was not happening. Sheena was threatening a man with long hair and a beard with her tommy gun while a curly-haired little girl watched.

"Da union dues! Gimme da union dues or you're gonna sleep wit da fishes!"

"I told you, I don't know what you're talking about! Guards! Arrest this maniac!"

The guards, unfortunately, had a few more holes in their bodies than they were born with and wouldn't be arresting anybody any time soon.

Anna cursed. Loudly. So loudly that everyone within a hundred feet turned to look at who would say a word only sailors used when a cannon slipped loose and landed on their foot.

"Oh, excuse me." She started turning bright red.

Sheena waved her gun under Dorr's nose. "Oh, good, you guys is here. I was tellin' dis mug ta gimme da union dues, an' he won' do it! Help me beat it outta him!"

Yggdrasill, for reasons known only to him, decided to be reasonable and stepped between Sheena and her intended victim. "Sheena, I'm positive this inferior being doesn't know what you are talking about. _I_ don't even know what you're talking about. So put the gun away, and we'll have a reasonable discussion with this man, and resolve our differences peacefully."

Immediately, Kratos drew his sword and knocked his brother to the ground. "Who are you?"

Mithos struggled to get Kratos off of him, but he was securely pinned, Kratos' sword an inch from his throat. "Get off me, you idiot! What are you doing?"

Kratos lowered his sword to rest on Mithos' Adam's apple. "I'm not going to ask you again. Who are you, really?"

"Um, Mr. Kratos, you did ask him again." This from Colette, who promptly received an elbow in the side from Anna. "Well, I'm just saying-"

"Shut up!" Anna hissed.

Mithos took advantage of his brother's momentary distraction to flip him off. Quit giggling, he didn't make an obscene gesture. He tossed him to the side, would be a better way of putting it.

Kratos sprang to his feet and grabbed his brother in a headlock. "Now answer me! The Mithos Yggdrasill I know would never say the words 'reasonable discussion' in the same sentence. Where is my brother?"

"Let go of me, you foolish inferior being! I was tired and didn't feel like fighting that guy, so I said all that boring crap to get Sheena to put her gun away! Now release me, before I blast your scrawny hide into the stratosphere!"

"That's more like it." Kratos let him go, but resolved to watch him closely for further strange behavior. There was still the possibility that he was an impostor.

Mithos dusted himself off. "Now, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to ask you your name. Who are you?"

The long-haired man straightened his dress(sorry, 'robe') and glared angrily at Sheena before answering. "My name is Dorr, and I am the governor of this city."

Anna, who had assigned the task of restraining Sheena to Presea, stepped forward and bowed. "Governor Dorr, we seek the next seal. We were told that you possessed a record of Spiritua's journey, and we would like to look at it."

"First, you must answer me these questions three!"

Davin hurled a lightning bolt of character modification at Dorr, who wasn't supposed to say that. He checked the battery on his laptop, and discovered it was running low. He shrugged and decided to let the story write itself for a few minutes while he found a new battery.

This turned out to be a bad move.

Dorr repeated the offending line.

Anna stepped forward. "All right, what are your questions?"

"What... is your name?"

"Anna Irving."

"What... is your favorite color?"

"Purple."

"What... is the square root of 487?"

"I... How am I supposed to know?"

"Wrong! You are the weakest link, goodbye!"

Right about then, Davin borrowed Sheena's plot-hole for moment, rummaged around in it while Dorr asked his questions, and found a freshly charged battery, which he rammed into his computer. He then proceeded to beat the wayward story back into submission, and before long, it had returned to his control.

It was quite disconcerting for the characters as the whole world moved backwards for a few seconds, then resumed.

"We were told that you possessed a record of Spiritua's journey, and we would like to look at it."

Struggling mightily to say something else, Dorr said: "You are the Chosen's group? I thought those guys with the midget- sorry, 'little person', were the Chosen's group. I gave the book to them."

Yggdrasill broke free. "You idiot! You gave the book to some random peon who claimed to be the Chosen? Do you use your eyes at all or are they just there for decoration?!" Before Kratos could stop him, Mithos cast Holy Lance, and since Dorr wasn't leveled up enough to withstand it, he flopped to the ground, lifeless.

"Great! Youse killed him! Now how's am I s'posed to get da union dues?" Sheena waved her tommy gun in the air in frustration. She accidentally squeezed the trigger, and a bird crashed to the ground at her feet.

For some reason, everyone ignored this and decided to check out the rest of the city. That's right, they left a giant mess in the town square(it was actually circular, but who cares), killed the governor and an innocent bird, and now they're going to go stroll around the rest of the city like a bunch of tourists. Mithos' psychotic tendencies are definitely contagious.

They eventually came to a gigantic docked warship, which a sea monster was cheerfully attempting to destroy. The sailors were equally cheerfully firing the cannons at her/him/it/whatever it was.

A sailor explained some stuff about how the ship worked, and Genis, who was still stalking Presea, decided to make a snide comment about the warship. The group of maniacs were about to fight him again, when the sea monster made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a Godzilla roar. Come to think of it, the monster looked suspiciously like Godzilla anyway. Genis took advantage of their distraction to escape.

One of sailors had managed to hit the sea monster with a cannonball, and it sank beneath the waves with another Godzilla roar. Colette immediately ran to Kratos and sobbed into his shoulder. He looked up at Davin, who shrugged.

Mithos disgustedly wiped the monster blood off of his jumpsuit and the others followed him back into the city, stepping around the corpses of their victims as they made their way to an inn.

Up in their room(which they had not paid for, but had instead threatened the clerk into giving them. Well, it was Mithos who did the threatening, but the others didn't stop him. You know-

"GET ON WITH IT!!"

Yes, they were all gathered in their room at the inn, deciding what to do next.

You know, you forgot to put the other parenthese on the end of that sentence up there.

Davin whipped out his gun, determined to finish off the critic once and for all. He let the characters do whatever they wanted while he hunted for whoever kept making snide comments about his mistakes. Nobody's perfect, you know.

"I am." said Mithos.

"Shut up." said the author.

You shouldn't be so rude to your charact- AAAAGGHH!!

(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!)

"Ha! Got him!" Davin floated his cloud-chair over to where the critic lay on the floor, clutching a laptop in one hand and his chest with the other. "You know, according to my spell-checker, 'parenthese' isn't a word. What do you have to say about that?"

"How else...was I...supposed...to describe...it?" And with those moving last words, the critic troubled the story no more, which was a relief to the readers, who were growing quite tired of his interruptions, as well as all the other stupid things that kept happening while they were just trying to read the story of the heroes on their journey to save Sylvarant, and all the characters weren't acting anything like their counterparts from the actual game and this was really a terrible story, so terrible that the readers were beginning to wonder why they were reading it in the first place, and-

The readers froze as Davin slowly aimed his gun at the fourth wall. "You'll read this, and you'll laugh, understand?"

The readers nodded slowly, terrified of the obviously unbalanced author, who clearly had no qualms about shooting people.

He put away his gun and turned back to the story, finding that the characters had decided to follow the impostor group, who had snuck out of the city following their beating by Mithos. They knew they were headed to Hakonesia Peak, which was a bit of a plot-hole, as none of them had heard the impostors discussing this.

The gang made their way out of the city and walked to Hakonesia Peak, horses apparently being nonexistent here. They kept up their habit of killing anything that came within range, and this included perfectly innocent animals such as ladybugs, rabbits, hawks, snakes, wolves, giant chicken-things, monstrous half-man, half-pterodactyl creatures, and other perfectly harmless animals that were just minding their own business.

Hakonesia Peak gradually drew closer, and, impatient to get the book so they could move on to the next part of the story, the gang barged into the old man's hut and demanded that he give it to them.

"No." he said.

"C'mon, please?" said Colette.

"Only if you give me a kiss."

Mithos yawned and casually blasted the old man out of the hut, taking out a good portion of the wall behind him. "Weirdo." he said, stepping over to where the record of Spiritua sat. "Why would anybody want to kiss Colette?"

The mercenary who wasn't really a mercenary took no notice of this, as she was busy attempting to patch the hole in the wall.

The rest of them read though the book, and figured out that they needed to get over the mountains and go to Asgard.

"I wonder if they have unions in Asgard? I gotta collect union dues from somebody, or else I gotta give 'em cement overshoes." Sheena cocked her gun, patting the barrel.

Mithos had also decided that he was tired of Sheena's mobster accent, and delivered a solid smack to the back of her head, causing her to stumble into Colette and the two of them to fall through the hole in the wall of the hut. He gestured at the door. "Let's go." he said.

Anna went through the hole to see if Sheena and Colette were okay, and they were, so they went back outside. The others had decided to go to Thoda Geyser instead, for reasons none of them were later able to remember. Davin, who was again getting impatient, ignored the fact the story was getting even more holes in it than usual.

Since Sheena was now back to her normal self, Anna, who was now freed from her role as the mobster, mulled over whether she should become the mercenary of the group, since Colette wasn't doing that very well right now.

"That was a horribly written sentence." Mithos was saying to Davin. Davin told Mithos to shut up.

Anna decided to take on the role of healer, since Mithos was supposed to be the teacher, who was normally the healer, but come on, can you see Mithos healing anybody on purpose? Me neither.

Mithos raised an eyebrow at the terrible sentence structure, but otherwise ignored it.

Anna reached into her handy-dandy plot-hole and pulled out a staff. It was wooden, with a white crystal set into the top. "You shall not pass!" she randomly shouted, slamming the staff into the ground.

Everyone turned around to look at her. "Hehe, sorry." she said, quickly tossing a blue pointed hat behind a bush.

Sheena, who was now back to her normal self, had decided that she liked the hat from the Mobster outfit, and was wearing it with her normal clothes. She considered using the tommy gun, also, but Davin decided that joke was way over-used and put the thought right out of her head.

They eventually got to the House of Salvation and headed inside. Mithos walked over to a priest, who immediately fell to the ground in obeisance. Mithos smiled, but then produced the script and showed it to the priest. The priest jumped up, dusted himself off, and explained that he had dropped the statue in the geyser.

Sheena thought for a moment. "I'll go get it. We just have Kratos freeze the geyser with ice magic, I run over and get the statue, and we give it to the old guy on Hakonesia Peak."

"Wait a minute, Mithos probably killed the old guy, and we've already seen the book anyway." said Anna, who had mysteriously acquired an orange coat and white boots. Her hair was now shorter and swept to the side in front.

"Quiet!" hissed Yggdrasill.

"So, there's really no point in getting the statue, is there?" said Sheena

"No." said Kratos.

Anna discovered she now also had an urge to kick people for the slightest provocation to go with her new outfit, but ignored it. "Well, we have to break the water seal anyway, so let's go to Thoda Geyser."

So off they went. Along the way, Presea pondered all the strange things that had just happened, and came close to breaking the fourth wall when she thought that if anybody was watching this, they would probably only understand it if they were already familiar with the original story, since this one made no sense.

--

When they finally arrived at the Thoda dock, they were all tired from all the fighting they had done, both with animals and each other, and so they stayed the night at the inn there.

The group awoke the next day bright and early at ten o'clock. Sheena was the first to awaken. She swung her legs out of bed and frowned when she saw a pair of boots in front of her. Thinking they were someone else's that had been left there, she reached out to grab them, and jumped when they moved of their own accord. They turned out to be connected to someone, and she looked up to see Botta standing there with his sword pointed at her.

"Yaah! What are you doing here? Were you watching me sleep?" Sheena armed her pervert-smacking hand.

"No. I am here because my master, Lord Zelos, wishes to speak to you."

Sheena started to move toward her clothes, which were tossed at the foot of the bed, but Botta stopped her. "I'm afraid Master Zelos' wishes were for you to come as you are."

"Lucky I wear pajamas then, aren't I?"

"I suppose. Come along, then."

Sheena yawned and stretched, then buttoned her pajamas all the way up to the neck. Zelos might be hoping for some skin, but he sure wasn't getting any! Pervert.

Slipping into some slippers, she followed Botta down the stairs and outside, to the beach off to the side of the dock. Zelos was there, reclining in a beach chair and wearing a purple speedo and a pair of sunglasses.

He sat up as he saw her coming and smiled widely. "Hello again, my well-endowed hunny!"

Sheena scowled. "What do you want, Zelos?"

He favored her with a salacious grin. "Well, for one thing, I want you to take off those pajamas, but, seeing as how you probably aren't going to do that, I need you to tell me something."

If he wasn't the leader of a powerful organization with who knows how many minions waiting nearby, she would have smacked him. Hard. "What do want to know?"

Zelos sat up and took off his sunglasses. His expression became serious. "How much do you really know about Colette?"

Sheena smirked. "Why, you want me to ask her out for you?"

"I'm serious. How much do you actually know about her?"

Sheena crossed her arms and thought for a minute. "Well, she's a mercenary, though we haven't paid her anything yet, she's kinda stupid, but pretty nice. Let's see, what else? She falls down a lot, she likes Kratos and Mithos, for some weird reason, and if you say something mean to her, she'll probably cry. That's about it."

"Has she ever brought out her wings?" Zelos stood up, and Botta handed him a robe, which, to Sheena's irritation, he did not close.

"Hmm. She might have; I've lost track of the story. How did you know Colette had wings?"

"Be warned, Sheena. Colette may not be who she says she is. I think you should watch her closely from now on."

"Why should we be suspicious of Colette? And why should I listen to you?"

Zelos grinned his lecher's grin and winked at her. "That's for me to know, hunny, and for you to find out." He, Botta, the beach chair, and his ghastly speedo were all beamed away, leaving Sheena feeling confused and slightly dirty.

She also got the nagging feeling that what had just happened wasn't in keeping with the original story, but since Davin had erased her memory of the original story, she didn't give it much more thought than that.

She went back inside, woke everybody up, and they all went out to the dock. Mithos expressed his disapproval of their method of transportation, a bunch of washtubs.

"I'm not getting into that leaky thing."

Kratos, ever the reasonable member of the group, attempted to change his brother's mind.

Mithos was persuaded. He spent the entire trip to the geyser glaring at his brother and wringing out his jumpsuit.

Finally, they arrived. They got out of the washtubs, and the group wandered around until they found the oracle stone. Presea put her hand on it, and they went inside.

Since the Water Temple is really boring(in Davin's opinion, anyway), they skipped to the interesting part and beat the guts out of the giant fish-thing that guarded the seal.

Remiel appeared, floating majestically down on a column of light. An angelic chorus could be heard. He stopped and a microphone appeared in his hand. "All right, everybody, give it up for Ted and the Worthless Peons! Aren't they great? Today's their last day, due to budget cuts." An "Awww, man!" in perfect four-part harmony was heard.

"Anyway, Presea Combatir, come on down! You've won... A BRAND NEW RHEAIRD!!"

"Yay." she said in her usual monotone.

"No, I'm just kidding with you. Genis already got the Rheairds. We do have some lovely parting gifts for you, in the form of more angelic power from Cruxis. Here you go." He tossed some pixie dust at her. She learned... one of them powers that makes lots of big glowy lights and doesn't really do a whole lot other than that.

Davin decided that enough had happened, and it was time to bring the chapter to a close. He also decided that it would likely not be so long before he started up again next time.

--

Yes, I know it was much too long since I last updated this, but I hadn't felt like writing it until today. I was stuck on how to keep the story going, too, as I'm quickly going to run out of material I wrote for 'Different Jobs' to base the chapters on. I have stuff I can do until they go to the Tower of Salvation for the first time, but I've got nothing after that. I'll get to that when I come to it, I suppose. The next update will be whenever I feel like writing more.


End file.
